Note: The Audio version of ‘Myth 1. When you find your Soulmate you will find happiness’ is located at the end of the article.
When someone walks into my room, in my clinic, one of the first things we do is discuss what is going on in their life. In reality, what we are establishing is their degree of happiness, how much control over it they have, and if in fact, they think that they have any control at all. Over the many years I have worked with clients, there is a strong consensus that some people are lucky and some people are not. In other words, if luck goes your way and you are blessed with good fortune in life, then happiness should be all but guaranteed.
Truthfully and it’s a truth that may shock you, not all the people who come into my clinic seeking help have horrendously unlucky stories. The number of people who say “I don’t understand. I have a good job, a great partner, nice kids, a caring family, and financial stability. I honestly have everything I could ever want, and yet, I am so not ok. Something must be wrong with me. I should be happy”
And whilst you may want to trade spots with them to give their life a go, if happiness eludes them (even with the keys of happiness they hold), then it will most probably elude you too.
‘Why?’ you ask, because these keys of happiness are myths. Happiness like this is like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
We need to understand the myths before we can address the happiness.
Myth 1: When you find your Soulmate you will find happiness.
I want to look at the truth about ‘Soulmates’, and the myth behind thinking we need them for our happiness. A Soulmate is a concept that we not only hear about but talk about all our lives.
The movie industry invests and makes billions of dollars each year in promoting the concept of Soulmates. Consequently, the most common question that psychics are asked is “When am I going to meet my Soulmate?” Even as kids, we wonder who we will marry.
So, What is a Soulmate?
The unified consensus would have you believe that your Soulmate is “The One”, your “Twin Flame”, and that everybody has a Soulmate. It’s our quest to find ‘The One’ in our lifetime. Someone who we meet and instantly there’s a spark; it's like we match. Our Soulmate is someone that completes us, they know what we need, what we want, and how we feel. They are our key to happiness.
From a very young age we hold onto this concept, and we long to meet our Soulmate. We think that when we meet them, we're going to feel loved, connected, understood, whole. We ‘know’ they are going to look after us.
Somehow, finding your Soulmate is going to magically make your life better. Find your Soulmate and you will find Happiness.
More than just our love life
Interestingly, in my work of helping people understand themselves, your Soulmate is often not just a person that we look for to find the answer to make our life happy. Moreover, our quest for finding our Soulmate is also present in many other aspects of our lives, including jobs, careers, pets, friends, and even the countries we live in.
For example, ‘when am I going to decide what I'm going to be when I grow up?’ Or, ‘when is something going to happen that makes me know where I'm going to live?’ or ‘what kind of hobby do I want to pursue that I have a passion for?’
So, a Soulmate is something outside of us. Something that magically comes along and fits perfectly. We know we are complete. It is a concept that we look towards having. It’s huge in our quest for happiness.
However, when a Soulmate evades us and we don't have it, we feel that we are somehow overlooked, unloved, unimportant.
Consequently, we feel like we have to wait to meet our Soulmate. We feel like something is wrong with us, and we are still waiting for our happiness in life to happen. We're waiting for it to get better. We're waiting for “the one” to magically come along.
Where we begin
In all of the myths of happiness, we have to start with this one.
We need to understand the truth about this myth and ask the question, “Just where do we fit in our own happiness journey?”.
Questions I ask people in my clinic: If you knew that you were going to meet your Soulmate today, how would you prepare? If you're going to make them dinner, what would you make?
You see, we go above ourselves, above and beyond in all the love and care that we will give, that we will provide to this person outside of us. We give it to someone else. We definitely never treat ourselves this way.
How did we get here?
The understanding of how and why we get here as a society enables us to be able to see the truth.
How do we get here? When we're born, from the age of naught to two we are 100% co-dependent on being loved, looked after, and nurtured. All of our needs are absolutely being met by someone else because we are not capable of doing it.
This creates a belief system that someone is going to make it better; someone will fix us. We believe that someone knows more, someone's going to help us, someone else will bring us happiness and then, we continue that belief system all our life.
We are never taught anything different, so we never progress this belief as we age. Because of this, we will always look towards a Soulmate, or something else coming into our life, to fix us, make it better, make us feel whole, to feel love nurtured and looked after.
‘If the truth be said, we look to them to bring us happiness.’
We never move forward to being able to take over that role.
This is something that we're going to focus on here. To empower ourselves a little bit more in knowing that we can become our solution.
When we meet our Soulmate and we get married or move in together, things change, and the magic wand of happily ever after doesn't happen. We start on a new journey, where we create this co-dependent relationship, and we begin to change ourselves for them to like us more. We need to do more to be able to get the love we desire, all the more ignoring ourselves.
Eventually, we look at them and realise they're not it, they don't make us happy. They don't make us feel loved and nurtured, they don't fulfill us. Finding our Soulmate did not lead to our happiness.
In turn, we have created the pattern where we are lost. We exist in our life and continuously give our power away. We are not present to us. We're trying to keep something happening, but we're not sure why? This is not living. The truth is, we still don’t have happiness.
This is where it begins. This is where we change the idea that we need a Soulmate to make us happy. Whether it be a person, a job, or a thing. Where we change the belief that happiness is something that happens to us and instead, we become part of our solution.
Let’s look at it a different way.
If my Soulmate was going to make me the perfect cup of tea, they would ask “How do you have it?” The question “How do you have it?” is because…
I know me. They don't know me.
They don't know how I have my cup of tea, or how I run my bath. They don’t know what books I like to read, or movies I like to watch. And yes, they might know as time goes on, but they have to learn that.
The only way they're going to learn that is when I teach them because I know me; I've got the answers. I am the key to my happiness.
If I use my voice then I'm part of the team that helps support me. I am also a part of the team that makes me happy. If I rely solely, on someone else to be my happiness, I will be lost, and then I wait.
This is the concept with a Soulmate, we wait for someone else to come along, we wait for someone else to make it better and that renders us powerless.
The Absolute Truth
I want to leave you with this.
From the minute that you're born to the minute that you die, the only person that is going to be able to understand your life, to see your life from your perspective, be able to know what you need, support you, and nurture you through everything, while being 100% available to you all of the time, is you.
Your Soulmate is You
You are the answer. The true key to your happiness journey is you.